


As the World Caves In

by cherub_sa



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Apocalypse, I Don't Even Know, M/M, Sad, Self-Indulgent, retrospective angst?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-17
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:34:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24766270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherub_sa/pseuds/cherub_sa
Summary: “Hey”“Hey”“So this is it huh? I always said I’d love to be taken off this bitch ass earth sooner than later but now that’s its happening… can’t say I’m all to happy.” Huening Kai sighed. He turned to Soobin who only looked at him with nothing but regret behind his eyes and the occasional quivering that was nearly undetectable. He couldn’t help but release another sigh before looking back at the cityscape down below.
Relationships: Choi Soobin/Huening Kai
Kudos: 15





	As the World Caves In

“Hey”

“Hey”

“So this is it huh? I always said I’d love to be taken off this bitch ass earth sooner than later but now that’s it's happening… can’t say I’m all too happy.” Huening Kai sighed. He turned to Soobin who only looked at him with nothing but regret behind his eyes and the occasional quivering that was nearly undetectable. He couldn’t help but release another sigh before looking back at the cityscape down below.

Maybe there was something discretely poetic about being able to sit here and await the end of the world with his ex-boyfriend but he couldn’t fully realize it in the moment. If he had to describe his life up to this moment in time without being too overtop yet also not undermining what he’s had to live through, he would just say it was lonely. He was only a year into college and felt unaccomplished in every endeavor he was actively pursuing. He’d never be able to take that one course he was kind of excited for. He could never go out with his “friends” again who were only really his friends because he was fun to have around in the small and boring town. What cut the deepest was the longing for what his life could have been. He wanted to dive into every fantasy he had ever had about where he would have ended up after the many late night club ventures and groggy morning classes but Soobin felt the need to catch his attention again.

“Are you happy with what you did? I mean—more in like a general sense, not anything specific.” The kid asked. Hyuka loved to call Soobin a kid. They both were, himself more than Soobin but it was one of those things that he liked to tease him about.

“Do you even have to ask? You know how shitty life is. How it never changed and every day just seems to get worse. The worse finally came and all I have to show for my life is memories that still haunt me.” He replied with a tone more akin to a forty-year-old man sitting at a bar after being fired than a useless young adult about to die.

“Don’t be like that…you have me don’t you?” Soobin said, trying his best to turn this into a glass half full type of thing.

Huening just turned to him. He finally broke. The tears started to fall as if they were drawn out of him. The last thing he wanted to do was cry. He’d rather salvage what he could of his dignity and resorted to a quiet nod of approval towards Soobin. He was rewarded with Soobin placing his hand on the younger’s back and a few minutes of comfortable silence as he tried his best to cease the waterworks and revert back to his cool, indifferent exterior.

As if on cue, the breeze rolled in to help sober Hyuka up. “Do you mind if I just talk for a bit? You don’t need to respond but it’s not as if anyone else could be here for me now.”

“Of course. No need to ask.” Soobin replied.  
“I—I was always alone. You know that. Growing up gay was easy for me yet so difficult. I wasn’t bullied every day or scared of being different but instead worried about what others thought about me too much. I played it up around friends because, I mean obviously they ate that shit up but it made me turn into such an inauthentic version of myself. It’s only been a year since but I felt I was finally reaching a place I was happy with but I still felt so lonely. When you’re so used to being the mood maker or whatever, it’s hard to see your worth outside of that. Everyone I know, they all say they love but whenever I wasn’t “that”—“that” being the fun version of me—then I felt like everyone just simply turned away. I felt distant from everybody and even now…”

“You feel like you never were anything more than that?” offered Soobin.

“Yeah exactly. I mean, not with you. You were different. The memories we made were something I could—I couldn’t even describe them. Not even to you. You made me feel so special. But without that, I turned back into what I hated being the most. Good at parties, fun, wild, the list goes on. Not once have I ever gotten a message from somebody asking if I was good or how I was doing without being compelled to by one of my many cries for help on whatever social media they followed me on. I just had to get used to the fact that nobody really cared about me outside of, feeling required to or something like that. It was—it is—actually and I’m just going to have to die with that fact.”

“Your family loved you though. You have to at least remember that.”

“Well. I mean…sure. But not in a way that made me feel fulfilled. I’m lucky to be able to say yeah, my mom loved me. Not everyone can say that but my brother couldn’t give less of shit about me and my sister…she at least tried to get there. Most of it came from just wanting me to be good so that our mom wouldn’t worry and then she’d be happy. You know? It feels weird because there were some moments that made me question that. I feel like though…it was just because she didn’t want me to kill myself. She saw how bad I could get sometimes. Even after that though I know she felt uncomfortable confronting it with me. I don’t think she ever understood how hard it was to be productive or be happy about being alive sometimes. Jokes on her I guess because I was kind of right in the end. I never would amount to anything. Jokes on everyone actually.”

“Why everyone?”

“Well those closest to me loved saying that I would be able to travel abroad and make money after college. Be what it was I wanted to be. I hated to hear it. It’s easier to just give up, isn’t it? If I admitted that I could do these things then I’d have to judge myself harder every time I slacked on studying and just wasted a day because I felt like garbage.”

“Hyuka…I can’t sit here and say yeah that’s a good mindset to have but I see what you’re saying. It’s hard to have dreams because then you have to work on them. You could have accomplished anything though. I knew it. Everyone did. You shouldn’t devalue yourself like that.”

“I’m not going to agree with you but okay. It’s not like it matters now.” Huening answered. He turned his head away from the ground and back up towards the sky. He had kind of hoped that when he died it would be beautiful and the giant planet seemingly larger than the sky itself was quite a sight to behold. It felt almost like it was gazing at him, listening as he confessed his feelings and judging whether or not he deserved to die or not. In about thirty minutes it would make contact and we would all be gone.

“Staring at it isn’t going to do anything.” The kid said teasingly. Yet another sigh escaped his lips and the breeze made a return, uninvited as always.

“Do you think I was enough?” Hyuka asked nonchalantly. It was more of a plea for comfort rather than an honest question but he could do what he wants.

“Hold on. Let me ask something first. Do you think that when you die you’ll still hold me in your heart?” Soobin asked, far less casually. All Hyuka could do was stare at him dumbfounded. He knew it was coming but the thought of a life without Soobin was far scarier than a life without himself and he had already been through it once. Surprisingly, the breeze decided to stay out of this one. The world felt still and serene despite the fact that everyone within a hundred miles was preparing for their final moments. They were probably with family or friends, basking in each other’s warmth and finding comfort in each other’s presence. Sitting here with Soobin offered only one of those, or at least he thought so. Maybe anyone who saw him would just find pity in his situation.

“I mean…when you died it was the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. I didn’t know I’d only be a few years behind. You know I don’t believe in some heaven or paradise where all our pretty little souls go. Your memories are all that are left of you and that’s what makes it real. I knew you. I still do. You may not actually be sitting here next to me as I watch this giant-ass planet crash into our own but in my eyes you are. You’re all I ever had. Do have. Everyone else has their families or whatever but I have you and when I’m gone too—and everyone else who ever knew you—you’ll be gone for good. But so will I. I can’t imagine not being alive but I know how it’s like for you to not be. It was so hard but I stayed kicking because I knew that’s what you would want. As long as I remembered what it was like to stay up late with you and drive around while blasting those teenage-indie film soundtracks and the mornings we would get coffee and sit in your car and just think about our problems…” He didn’t feel the tears start to flow again but he could feel the lack of warmth next to him. The way his mother was in another country and his sister was saying her goodbye to the world with her girlfriend. The way his friends cared about how funny he was and not the broken husk he turned into. It was all finally getting to be too much. The planet steadily getting closer and closer was no longer beautiful and sitting here alone with nothing but a ghost of his past wasn’t poetic. It was pathetic. But it was still all he had. “I can’t say we’ll be sipping Champaign in an eternal bliss somewhere in the sky or space or wherever the fuck heaven may be, but I can say that you’re the only thing in my life that felt real. That felt right in my life. I wish I didn’t have to say this but I wish we could have died together. Maybe I should have followed after you when that car crashed into you that night but I can’t fix my mistakes now.”

Hyuka looked back up at Soobin. The culmination of his memories that sat before him. It didn’t feel real. He knew he wasn’t real but in his bitch-ass life, what else could he do. He imagined Soobin heard every word. He imagined his hand caressing his. And he imagined their heads nestling together as Hyuka whispered “I love you” and as impact was made, he could have sworn that he heard Soobin say it too.


End file.
